Homesick

Okay, so who would have thought that the one having the hardest time adjusting to the move would be.... ME!! I really liked my house and the home that we had made of it. I loved the community that we lived in. I invested 14 years there. It's the longest I've lived anywhere in my life! It's the only school system I was involved with as a parent. As a professional, I did my student teaching there.

I am so homesick and there isn't anyone for me to go to. It won't work to let the kids know that I am unhappy. Craig is so excited that it's the beginning of our life together, that he can't comprehend that I may have other feelings. My friends are all in cyberspace now and it's hard to really get any comfort anyway because it doesn't really help anyway. And it surely doesn't help that we are out in the country and fairly isolated physically as well.

How long does it take for someplace to feel like home? I don't remember it taking any time at all with our last house. Even when it was a rental agreement, it felt like HOME. This place doesn't. At all. It feels like someplace we are staying. Even with all of my belongings and furniture surrounding me.... Craig doesn't even have that. He owned very little --his comfy chair, kitchen stuff and bed. He must still feel like it's mine---all of the decor will be from my house. He has pictures of Tay to place, but not much else. It should be easier for me with so much familiarity.

Maybe other factors play into all of this homesickness--my WHOLE life changed. I lost my job. A job I loved and was so comfortable with! I've been doing that for the last 10 years! The kids have basically grown up with me having a flexible, family centered job. Now, I'm home all day but have nothing to do, no internet yet, very little money and a changing identity! So, I'm missing more than a house. I'm missing my life. I want things to be the way they used to be. I would NEVER wish for life before the divorce, but certainly want life before the job loss back!

There are still so many things hanging over my head.... the bankruptcy isn't complete. I need to add the audit debt to it as well as all the utilities from the last house...but as yet don't have the $150 fee to do this. I NEED to get it done before it's discharged! I can't make my car payment, so it's only a matter of time before they locate the car and take it. Will I have a job and money to buy another one when it's needed? I'm keeping up the insurance on it. I haven't changed my address with the post office. I probably won't. I'll inform only those that I want to know.

We STILL have loads of stuff at the old house. The shed is full, the mudroom is full and the basement hasn't been unloaded. I want to get all of that out of there so we can have the move be complete. All of my curtains are still hanging to not advertise that the house is vacant. I want all of it out! We still have a car sitting there. We need to rent the thing to haul it here.... money for that? I don't know when.

I miss my life. It's hard to find any understanding here. I'm SO glad that the kids love this new chapter. I still need to mourn the old before I can embrace the new. I'm scared to death to start a new job. I know all of the benefits--money to support our family, life insurance, health insurance and maybe even a retirement plan. I'm just as scared to NOT be working right now! We are barely scraping by--and house payment is due the 1st. How stupid would it be to have made this HUGE move and fail to be able to support ourselves?

There were so many things that needed to be done at the old house...and there are so many things that are better with this house....but still.